It’s happened to all of us (especially in public). We’re out shopping or eating at a restaurant and our child asks us for something. A toy? A dessert? A rocket that can fly to the moon? A unicorn that can poop gold nuggets? And we, in our kindest parental voices, say no, my dearest darling, we will not be getting that/doing that/excavating that today. And it begins: the trembling chin, the eyes welling with tears, and then the screeeeeeeeaaaaam that draws the attention of everyone in the general vicinity. Some kids even do The Flop- the dramatic flop to the floor like an injured soccer player. Any attempt to lift or move them will result in them loosening all of their muscles like a human noodle, making them impossible to carry.

This has happened to me many times and to be honest, sometimes I feel like flopping to the floor along with my kid, and bawling my eyes out. After all, I’ve had a long day, I’ve been doing thankless tasks, no one has shown up to my door with a 10 million dollar check and an all-expenses paid trip around the world (nanny included). It’s no fair! No fair! But since I’m the adult in the situation, I have to gather myself and parent, while feeling extremely embarrassed and frustrated.

One of the tantrum incidents that sticks out most in my mind is a trip to the grocery store where my son wanted to ride on the side of the grocery cart. Sensing that this might result in an eventual tumble to the floor, I vetoed the idea and the tantrum began. Some people looked at us with curiosity. Some (probably parents themselves) looked at me with commiseration. One lady even tried to distract him, but he was having none of it. Eventually, in his furor, he spun into a display of sauces and one of them broke on the floor. Now, in our parents’ day and age, we would have been snatched. But I had to take a breath and recommit to gentle parenting^TM . I offered to pay for the broken bottle of sauce- the grocery store employee looked at me, expressionless, and shook his head sweeping up the glass. We ended up cutting our shopping trip short and going home.

Now, I can say that it’s all on these little kids, right? It’s not us, the adults- we are doing our best! But children are doing their best, as well, and tantrums are developmentally appropriate. It takes years to learn to self-regulate (manage/control your behavior and emotions) and to learn to accept disappointment without flying off the handle. (And to be honest, if you look around and really pay attention, there is a significant portion of the adult population that hasn’t learned self-regulation and how to handle disappointment or challenges or rejection. We can see these adults crashing out on the regular- if not in person, on TikTok or the news.) In a study entitled The Development of Self-Regulation across Early Childhood, researchers note that children gain self-regulation skills rapidly between the ages of three and seven. It’s definitely not something we are born with, and we as parents are tasked with helping our children regulate their emotions, which is not easy and can be stressful. Part of this lesson to our children is how we behave- they get clues on how to navigate challenges by seeing how we navigate them.

So how do we manage the tantrums that are bound to happen? Well, one thing we can do is try to prevent them. With the store tantrum that I described earlier, it had already been a long day for him and for me, but for my adult body and adult brain, one more errand wouldn’t be a problem. For a little kid, though, it was too much. Hence, the meltdown over what I saw as a trivial matter. Kids are just like us- they can become tired, or frustrated, or hungry, or over-stimulated and when they are, they show it. At full volume. So if possible, take their current condition into account before going on outings. Which is hard. Because sometimes they will love doing xyz. Maybe a week later, they’ll hate it. But we can only do the best we can.

How to handle an active tantrum? Like with most stressful situations, we can start by remaining calm. If we start shrieking as well, it’ll just be a shouting match between a frustrated adult and a frustrated child. And I’m sure none of us wants to be a spectacle for everyone’s Tuesday evening grocery run. Harvard Health has a good article on tantrums, which I think applies for the meltdowns at home while NPR has a podcast episode on the topic. In our experience, trying to connect and empathize with our son, even through the tantrum, is helpful at cutting it short. Sometimes. Not always. And I think most importantly, we need to give ourselves grace. Everyday may not be an A+ day, but we are doing our best. And you’re not alone- every parent has experienced these moments. Just yesterday, I saw twins screaming and it was the most coordinated tantrum I’d ever seen. One would yell, then the other would yell, then they would yell together, then start over again, both of them crying hysterically. The adults were outmatched.

Something I heard today from child psychologist, Dr. Amen, was that “you either win or you learn.” A saying that can be helpful to both our children and ourselves. Let’s remember to celebrate all our wins with our kids each day, even the simple ones. It might help us get through the times when they’re on the floor, flailing and writhing around.